We just came back from a little sojourn in Alexandria. It is a wonderful city, with some classical art deco architecture and of course, the famous library. It is a shame that its beauty barely shines through the layers of peeling paint and ill-advised 1970’s monstrosities lining the Corniche. I’m harsh though: it is improving somewhat.

On a little night time walk to digest the kilos of seafood we managed to consume, I spotted Abu ‘Abbas’ shami hoummus cart on the beach. What a blonde mermaid and a dolphin have to do with hoummus is beyond me, unless it’s a hoummus eating dolphin. Note too please, the bouff as sported by the mermaid. I hear bouffs are coming back people, so get practising your backcombing and stock up on hairspray.

It was pretty chilly, with a stiff breeze coming in from the sea. Summer days at the beach seem far away when hands push down deep against pocket lining in an attempt keep blood circulating and cold air whistles past ears.

I just came online to blog about something and discovered this had arrived a long time ago and I didn’t see it, so will start with this:

Hi all, I am too in the same situation as Maria. I met a lovely egyptian man on the last day of my holiday in sharm in April. We met on a boat trip to tiran Island (divemaster) and met later that evening and spent a number of hours together and I went back to his flat. I did not have sex with him which he did ask for but said he respected me because I didn’t. He has been in contact every day since. I returned in August for 6 days on my own and we rented an apartment in Delta Sharm. He paid for all the food and taxis and nearly half of the rent of the apartment but when I gave him the rental money back he did accept. Myself, my daughter and my friend were supposed to go back on the 20th August for two weeks but he asked me to change it as being Ramadan we could not be together, so I changed the holiday to sep 24th. Late on the 3rd Sep he sent me a message telling me that he had to travel home as his uncle is very sick in hospital. Up to now I would receive 4 or 5 messages daily from him and he would ask me to call him at least twice a week but since he has gone home I receive only two messages really early in the morning ie 5 or 6 am and late at night. He tells me his phone is on silent as he doesn’t want to disturb his uncle who might die in the next few days but that he will have an operation on Friday. I am now thinking that he is spending time with another woman and making a fool of me but how can I prove it. This man has asked me to marry him and have children with him, told me he has told his family all about me. He has asked me and my daughter to move to egypt to be with him as soon as I can. How do I find out if I am being used. At the moment I am feeling very very hurt and stupid. Any response would be appreciated.

As this was quite a while ago, perhaps the writer will get back in touch and let us know what happened.

I’m not sure there’s much point at the moment in offering any advice as the situation must have moved on/finished. The only issue I would raise is that if he is Muslim, then asking her to come after Ramadan is a plausible ‘excuse’. It definitely does not mean he is seeing someone else, as a lot of people who are not ‘religious’ during the rest of the year, try to be ‘good’ during this month – rather like Christians ‘giving something up for Lent’ when they are not churchgoers.

Copyright trailing grouse

Cairo is the City Victorious. She is. No matter what happens, she wins.

I trundle along in my rather mundane life, ignoring her, ignoring her richness around me and then it happens. Without fail. She chews me up, lacerating me with her sharp teeth, smothering me with her sandpaper tongue and as I fight to gasp a last mouthful of air, she swallows. I find myself deep in the uncertainty of her underbelly. Who to trust, where to go, what to believe? Everything is turned on its head and a black  scream forms inside my gut. It moves up, too loud for my voice, the screams echo inside my head, “I AM LEAVING. GET ME OUT OF HERE!” and then the words that later feel so disloyal, “I H-A-T-E  E-G-Y-P-T!”

Disloyal because also without fail, shortly after that, I have one of the best days of my life and know that Cairo is truly Um el Donia.*

Such is life in this megacity, that those of us who choose to live here because we love Cairo, cannot leave for fear of never finding somewhere that makes us feel as alive as we do when we’re in her arms.

*Mother of the world

I have been involved with an Egyptian man for the last 15 months. I have gone to Egypt twice. The first time for 1 week to meet him, then 3 months later for another 7 days to meet his family, as we have been getting very serious and want to be married. He didn’t tell me until i already had been talking to him for 5 months that he is already married to an american woman for 2 years. She scammed him unto getting married to try and keep herself out of trouble when she came back to the states. She was caught scamming people all over the U.S. on the internet and taking their money. Nevertheless, because i saw how difficult life is their I understand how badly people need money, so when i get paid i would send him 50.00 to 100.00. I did not mind this at all. But the last 2 weeks he began asking me for more money to help him divorce her to get over here to be with me. When i told him that i would not get or send that kind of money, he proceeded to tell me that he would not talk to me anymore until he had it in his hand. My question to you is have i been scammed by him or was this a true love connection. Now i have doubts, plz tell me what you think.

Additionally:

I also would like to add that I met him online and can you please tell  me what your thoughts are on this.   Also, I’m wondering if scammers will spend 15 months with you all the while knowing that you did not have very much money?

First I would like to say that I am sorry, this all sounds very difficult to be going through.

Ok, now to the nitty gritty.

The American Woman: I think this sounds incredibly suspect. I cannot imagine a situation in which an American woman would somehow get out of trouble by marrying an Egyptian man. Of all nationalities to marry if you are an American, Egyptian is (unfortunately) not going to get you far. Do you know her name? If she was caught, particularly if it was for online scamming, I’m sure that a deep Google search would bring something up.

Your money: this is an incredibly generous act on your part. Life is difficult for many over here and 50-100 (I’m guessing Euro or Pounds Sterling?) is a huge amount for the majority of the population, particularly to receive it for doing nothing. So, whether he has been scamming you or not, you have done something very nice here.

Money demand: this is, I fear, bad news. Regardless of whether the American woman story is true or not, whether he wants the money for a divorce or not, if this is someone who loves you truly, why on earth would they refuse to speak to you because you can’t afford something? Even if you can afford it, why should you pay for his divorce from another woman? I’m not sure where they got married (am assuming Egypt – if there is even a marriage), but it’s not unaffordable to obtain a divorce in Egypt anyway, unless he signed some kind of pre-nup, in which case, why should you pay that?  If his main motivation in this relationship was his love for you, wouldn’t refusing to talk to you be a strange thing to do? If his main motivation was some financial gain (which doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t have feelings for you too), then this behaviour might make more sense.

Additionally, if he is wanting to come to the UK, money will not be the first thing he needs. A visa will be far more important and these days they are incredibly difficult to get.

Online: meeting someone online doesn’t mean they’re bad, of course. The problem is, if you meet someone, face to face from a culture that is very different to your own (and Egyptian culture is very different from UK/American culture), and who does not speak your language as a mother tongue, then it is incredibly difficult to judge their character. If you meet them online, it’s far, far harder. Also, spending a couple of weeks with someone does not give huge insight into their character: just think how different you are when you’re free from work stresses, lying by a pool, soaking up the sun, vs waking up grumpy on a cold winter morning full of the cold and having to go to work. A week or two isn’t long enough to see people at their worst.

Scamming time: the answer is yes. You think that you don’t have much money. I can assure you, that whatever money you have, is more than he has. This is proven by the fact that you can spare 50-100 per month and he takes it. It is also important to realise that Egyptian men are quite macho (by UK standards). I do not have one Egyptian male friend who would be comfortable taking money from me. Some have more money than me, some less, but they won’t let me even pay for a coffee unless I really fight and sometimes not even then – and these are people I’ve known for eight years.

This may not be very comfortable for you, but look at it from his point of view. You have been sending him money over the past X months. I don’t know when you started doing this, but let’s just say out of the 15 month relationship, you’ve sent it over the past 10 months and you sent him the minimum you stated, 50. I’m going to assume this is 50 Pounds Sterling. This means, that over the past 10 months, he’s received a minimum of 4500 Egyptian Pounds. Many Egyptians earn 1000 Egyptian Pounds a month as salary. So, in his terms, he’s received a lot of money. Is it worth him keeping in touch with you even though you don’t have much money? Yes, because to him you do.

What to do now? I guess it depends on what you want to do. If you really want to try and pursue a relationship with him you will probably need to be a bit careful. First of all, stopping the money, any money, would perhaps be a good thing. Technically, in Islam (I’m assuming he’s Muslim), when husband and wife both work, the money earned by the husband is for the family and the money earned by the wife is for HER! I’m not kidding. In reality many couples share the burden of bringing up their family together, but there is no obligation for the wife to do this. As you are not even married, there can be no real justification on his side for your supporting him. If he loves you, he will accept that you are not a bank and have no problem with that – EVER. If you are wanting to continue this relationship, it might be worth considering that this is a person for whom money is something to exchange with love and for that reason, it might be prudent to always keep your money entirely separate from him.

If you do not want to continue, then it’s easier: stop all contact. Don’t tell him you’re going to stop contact, just don’t get back in touch. I’m sure he’ll figure out what’s going on get back in touch telling you how much he loves you.  It’s up to you to figure out if you believe it.

There’s one more important thing to consider here: you. Think about yourself and what you’re worth. Clearly you are a kind and generous person, as you have been giving away money that you work hard for. I’m sure you’ve made mistakes, but you’re human. The question is: are you worth someone you can’t fully trust? Are you worth someone who refuses to talk to you until/unless you pay for his divorce to some other woman (who may or may not exist) and for a plane ticket for him? Would you tell a little girl that this is the sort of man she should look for as a life partner? You are no less worthy of someone who treats you well and with respect than a little girl is.

This story just arrived:

Hey Girls, just thought I’d let you know that I have been married to an Egyptian man for 7 years. I’ve blonde hair, blue eyes, am slender, etc. Well I just turned 35 and now considered ‘old’. He is 45 and came to me and asked me to send him a young girl from America about 20 years of age. He says I’m too old for him now and needs the young girl for sex but still wants to be married to me. Guess who is leaving Egypt without him?????

I don’t know the background to this, where/how the couple met, where they live(d) in Egypt etc. If you are the lady who sent it, perhaps you could fill us in if you have a moment.

I must just add my usual disclaimer here: not all Egyptian men behave like this. It is an unfortunate truth, however, that some do and for many Western women entering relationships with Egyptian men, the possibility of situations like this ocurring does not cross their mind. In the “West” men behave in ways which “Western” women do not like, but as our behaviour is to a great extent a product of our society’s norms ( its good, bad and ugly norms), “Western” bad behaviour is within our “Western” frame of reference. In fairness to Egyptian men, while many would like to have second wives, I’m not so sure that it’s the done thing to ask the first wife to source the second!

Finally, there is a decent hotel on Egypt’s North Coast other than in Alexandria and Marina.

The El Alamain Hotel is, misleadingly, in Sidi Abdel Rahman, which is about 20 mins drive from El Alamain.

There are no signs (apart from a tiny one in Arabic) for the hotel, the entrance is the same as that for Marassi, the mega project that Emaar is constructing.

The hotel is jam-packed in June, July, August and some of September as Marassi is THE place to be seen at the moment on the North Coast during the Summer. Outside those months, it is virtually empty. If you prefer having the beach to yourself and can bear to forego loud music that masks the sound of the waves, Autumn and Spring are your best bets.

If you like your luxuries, then this hotel is not the Four Seasons (but a Ritz-Carlton will be opening nearby in the next few years). Overall the staff are extremely friendly (yes, friendly, not sleazy) and very keen to do what they can to make your stay pleasant. We did have a problem with our bathroom, but it was fixed very quickly and professionally.

The hotel has no website(!) and I cannot give you a phone number because they didn’t print it on their invoice! If you live in Cairo though, you can just drive up (3hrs) and check in outside the summer months, because the chance of them being full is extremely unlikely at the mo (at least until they start providing people with contact info!). It costs about 750EGP for a double room bed and breakfast (outside summer months).

A wee note though. In the past 18 months, this hotel has been totally refurbished and had a change of management too. There are lots of horrific stories on TripAdvisor about this hotel, but it was prior to Emaar getting their organised hands on it and making it somewhere you would actually like to go.

Hundreds of graves.

Hundreds of names on walls.

I went to El Alamain recently. It was the first time I’d found the Commonwealth War Memorial.

Everything is beautifully simple and well maintained.

The Gordon Highlanders

Royal Indian Engineers

Standing in the middle of an overseas graveyard of fallen soldiers, sailors and airmen, it is hard not to think about the individuals who are risking their lives right now on our behalf, whether we want then to be or not.

We arrive at a wedding party. The couple have not yet arrived. Some of the other guests are also on time (the couple are not supposed to be on time). People are taking photos. I can’t quite hear the guys next to Mr S and I, but it seems that they want their photo taken with us. I am not really in the mood for this, grumpy me, so I play dumb.

They ask Mr S for a photo with him. Phew, grumpy me doesn’t have to smile. Something’s a bit strange though, the photographer is not at quite the right angle for the group to be in the centre of the shot..it’s just a bit off centre so that I’m going to be caught in the side. I turn and look away.

This goes on all night. People gravitate towards me, pretending they’re not (probably because I’m giving ever so subtle f-off vibes in to people with cameras). Sometimes people come and ask for a photo directly. A photo sitting next to me. Now a photo standing next to me. Now a photo with their mate on the other side of the two of us. I oblige, can’t really be bothered to say no and anyway, when I do, it means I have to talk to them and I’m feeling a bit, but less than before, grumpy, so can’t be bothered.

It’s mainly guys. This is strange. There are some of the most stunning girls I’ve ever seen at this party and trailing bird feathers here certainly couldn’t be considered part of that visually sparkling group.

Later on I’m sitting on a chair, taking a break from dancing, and I spot two girls coming towards me with a camera. I ignore them. If the camera steals spirits, I no longer have one. One girl sits on a chair a metre away from me (3 feet all you non-metrics) and swivels it to face me. I stare into the distance. The photo is taken. Sitting-down-girl gets up to check the photo with photographer-girl. I glance over their shoulders at the little screen. Yep. I’m in it too.

Now, while somewhat-grumpy-me is not totally in the photo-taking mood, somewhat-grumpy-me is also hugely embarrassed: I am not at this wedding to distract people from the bride and groom because of my milk-bottle skin and albino hair. “Go take pictures of the bride!” I want to say. They are doing that too though, so I can’t. It’s just when they’re not, I seem to be frozen in various view-finders.

Later on and you will be relieved to hear, not grumpy any more, a girl sits down next to me. I glance around. No cameras in sight, great, f-off vibes turn into a warm smile. She stares at me with what can only be described as awe in her eyes, pauses and then says, “You are beautiful. You look just like Meg Ryan”.

It was the sort of moment where had I been drinking something, I would have rudely laughed and with that momentary lack of control, sprayed my drink out all over myself and perhaps her. Actually, I wouldn’t, I’m slightly better mannered than that.

Only slightly mind you.

Needless to say, that was flattering, but entirely untrue. It’s a benefit/result of being blonde in this cultures: your physical imperfections and even characteristics are completely masked/forgiven by having lightly pigmented hair. If you don’t believe me on this one, just ask Meg. I bet she doesn’t have people saying to her, “Wow, you’re beautiful, you look just like Trailing Grouse.”

A wee note: obviously I didn’t take any of these photos of Meg Ryan. Thanks to the photographers who took them, to Meg for posing and if you want them you’ll find them easily on Google.

Another wee note: I’ve been wondering which of those photos I wouldn’t mind looking like (definitely not the bottom left) and just realised how little they look like the same person. Isn’t that a little bit freaky?

Yet another wee note: Meg honey, in the lips department, sometimes less is more.

Right then. I’m heading out of the lift, sticky, hot and particularly sweaty after just working out. I would like to say I look good, but well, I don’t.  I might even smell, but I don’t especially want to go there. I have a sense that someone is following me. This sense is well-honed from living in Egypt for eight years, but not so well practiced after living in The Hood for the last three. I’m sure I’m mistaken. Paranoid even. I test it out. The real test: I walk on the pavement. Nobody in their right mind walks on the pavement in Cairo. Pavements are a mere concrete border to a dusty, tarmac-ed death run.

Not paranoid: the footsteps follow.

I meander as though I’m not aware of him (oh come on, did YOU think it was a her??) and then move to cross the road. He catches up. He was in the gym. “Hello,” he says like we’ve been friends for ages. “Hi” I say, knowing I’ll see him again in the gym, so will give him the benefit of the doubt: perhaps something fell out of my bag (Right. We know it didn’t, but I don’t want to appear a total b*tch without real cause).  “Did you have a good workout?” His voice falters. He’s nervous. He’s not cocky – just as well because then the “doesn’t suffer fools gladly” side would be unleashed.

My brain is shortwiring: I’m married. Isn’t it CLEAR I’m married. Don’t I have an “I’m married” sandwich board swinging off my shoulders? I go to open my mouth and my throat closes. I simply cannot utter the words that my brain was pushing out, “I’m a married woman!” because that makes me o-l-d! I’m no longer the girl who does x & y, I’m a “married-woman” who does x & y. I squeezed out a terse, “Yes.” and set off across the road.

Tailing me come the words “Can I give you a lift anywhere?”.

“Um, yes, that would be splended freaky-stranger-guy-who-has-just-followed-me-down-the-road. It’s dark now, so please, let me get in a metal box that you control and direct you to my home.”

What on earth did he expect me to say to that?!

“Grouse doesn’t suffer fools gladly.” This was one of the most thought-provoking sentences from my life at school. Perhaps because it was about me and my ego enjoyed that. It was a sentence in my school report when I was about 14. I was perplexed for a good while afterwards. Big Mama read it out to me like I should be ashamed of myself, “But what’s the problem with that,” I thought (and maybe, being 14, said), “WHO would want to suffer anything, especially stupid people and why would they do so gladly?” The sentence seemed flawed to me. After a few months of pondering, I thought perhaps it was a backhanded compliment, in that I wasn’t a fool.

Basically, I just didn’t get it.

Now I get it. I still don’t really like fools, I don’t suffer them gladly, but, I do make an effort to not show my suffering for too long. Sometimes I’m good at it.

Not so today.

Mr S wanted me to check out the biggest, prettiest, most expensive compound in Cairo to see about joining their sports club so that I could (finally) get to swim. It’s a nice place, if you like a cross between Hollywood and Marbella with some good old MacMansions thrown in between – and all that in Cairo. My protestations about joining in with this lifestyle when so many on our doorstep have so little have lasted three years, but finally I relented. The only thing I had to confirm was that the main pool which is outdoors is heated in winter.

“Is the main pool heated in winter?” I dutifully (well, I am married now) asked.

“Yes.” was the answer. It seemed too easy. Cairo isn’t that easy. Even in super-lux compounds. Or was it?

“When does that start?”

“Oh, Winter? Well you see here in Cairo we have a hot summer…”

“Yes, I know, I’ve lived here for 8 years. Which month does the heating come on in the pool?” (you can get an idea of what my teacher was meaning,  right?).

“Ok, the winter months are October, November..”

I was smiling, this was sounding good.

“..April and May.”

“Pardon? What about December, January, February and March?”

“Oh, then the pool isn’t heated.”

“But that’s winter.”

“Not really. Anyway, nobody goes swimming in those months.”

“Yes,” I said almost snorting, “because the water’s not heated!” (I was rather good and skimmed over the fact that December, January, February, the three coldest months of the year were “not really” winter.).  Then the Sco’ish blood started to boil. “So you mean, we should pay $1750* a year to go swimming, plus $250* introduction fee  and over December, January, February and March, we can’t go swimming?”

“Oh, you can go swimming.”

“Sorry? I thought the pool’s closed.”

“No, not closed, just not heated.”

My mind was boggling. Four four months of the year the pool is open, but not heated, so nobody goes in, but they don’t close it, just so they can say it’s open, even though they know nobody will go in because it’s not heated…

“So then I pay for a year’s membership because I want to go swimming, but for a third of the year I can’t because it’s too cold?”

Yep.

Never mind. I found somewhere else that heats the pool over the winter. Why? Well, according to the sales people, “So people can go swimming over the winter.” Right. That seems rather sensible to me.

*Yes, these fees are steep for a swim. They do also cover fees for golf and tennis membership and as for swimming there are VERY few options nowadays for women where the pool is also clean.