Not a birth story

I can’t decide if I want to put my birth story online. On one hand it is such a major part of my life, I want to put it out there. On the other, it was a deeply personal experience, I’m not sure I want to share it with you, when in all likelihood, you won’t be sharing something as personal with me! So, I’m undecided for now.

However, what I will share is that it was not, absolutely not a nightmare, it left me able to see how orgasming through childbirth could be possible (I didn’t really get it before) and I’m really, truly looking forward to being in labour again.

What was a nightmare was being 42 weeks pregnant. That was really awful – for me. The fear of an induction was haunting. The 15, yes F-I-F-T-E-E-N times a day, during weeks 40, 41 and 42 either verbally or by email, I was asked if I’d a) had the baby. I hadn’t, obviously (well, I thought it was obvious, because I had I’d have probably, somehow let people know? Just perhaps?) or b) if I was feeling any contractions. I wasn’t and even if I was, it doesn’t mean baby is about to appear any second. And then there was c). We can’t forget c) did I know when the baby was coming? Unfortunately, my comp-uterine system had had to reboot and I’d missed that particular email.

Let’s not forget the advice:

- eat pineapple (didn’t they realise the markets in Paris had sold out of pineapple? That was me. I ate it all – and can never look at another pineapple again)
- eat curry (curry isn’t what you mean, it’s chili and for what it’s worth, I was adding hot chili sauce to almost every meal)
- walk (I was very much trying, but with legs the size and weight of sequoia trunks, it was rather difficult, not to mention painful)
- raspberry leaf tea (I was doing that, thanks very much)
- evening primsrose oil capsules applied to cervix (done)
- ┬ájumping (yup, did that when I felt able and it wasn’t too painful)
- sitting on the toilet for hours, because it ‘opens everything up’ (thanks for that well meaning piece of advice offered freely in public, and with the best of intentions, I know, but there are some reasons that that is NOT a good idea, if you know why, you know and if you don’t, lucky you!).

There were more, I’ve just forgotten them.

But let’s not forget the best bit: the congratulations! Yes, I received a message along the lines of, “Wow, TG, I haven’t heard from you and it’s ages since your due date so you must have had Chicklet by now, so CONGRATULATIONS!”. Lovely, except I hadn’t.

I think that the last two weeks passed, and I’m not joking here, in inverse warp speed. Minutes and hours have never taken so long to tick. I’d fill my days with distractions, I’d do fun things and laugh with friends in the late summer days, but time just did not seem to move.

And the most infuriating part of it all though? Every single person who got in touch to ask me or offer advice (or their congratulations!), did it with the best of intentions. Nobody wanted to make me feel bad and I knew it at the time. I was just fed up, hormonal and maybe just a little, little bit emotional!

As for the passage of time, inverse warp speed has been replaced with “Full speed ahead!” – in a blink of an eye, it’s next week. This side of birth is definitely more fun!

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